Feeling Better NOW

Willing to Be Vulnerable

Ever gone to bed worrying about something, glad to fall into sleep mode as a way of forgetting about it?  

Then upon awakening, there it is, the first thought that pops into your mind as you roll out of bed waiting for you, is the last thought left behind when you hit the pillow.  That has been my story plenty of times.

So, what is happening when we go to sleep with something on our mind that we haven’t quite resolved or worked out yet, is something similar to laying a hammer down on the bedside table.  When we awaken the hammer is right there where we left it.

Here is another story with a different twist around unwanted thoughts and emotions.

Recently on a Saturday evening,

I sat down and went into that quiet space within myself that I love.  The place where I connect to Spirit – and better remember who I truly am.  I took a deep breath as usual and began to relax and let my guard down, when suddenly and unexpectedly all these overwhelming, chaotic thoughts about a project I was working on with a business associate flowed forth from what appeared to be out of nowhere, like an attack.  I felt intense anxiety and disappointment. 

From previous experiences I knew the best thing to do in this moment was to let these thoughts move.  (Energy wants to move.) They are just thoughts, usually worries, or concerns or fears that I tend to push away as I move through my day or week.  I knew that there was something here for me – but could not deal with it in this moment with anxiety being my predominant emotion.

I moved to another room, grabbed the laptop and allowed all the confusing thoughts and emotions to spill out onto the keyboard.  “I don’t understand why we are doing things this way because…  it doesn’t make sense the path we are taking.  Here is what I think we should be doing.  We should be focused over here…. and not on this and that.  What is the point of …….. blah, blah, blah…..” and so on. 

In a short time the rambling thoughts quieted down and I was done typing.  No worry about spelling or punctuation.  Nothing had to make sense.  I felt relief and calmer.  A few minutes later, I emailed what I had written – to myself to look at the next day, and proceeded to focus back to my connection with Spirit.

The next morning, I remembered what I had been worried about the previous day.  As I thought about my concerns, I was much calmer and realized that those were just passing thoughts and no action was required.  All was going to work out just fine.  I forgot about it.

Two days later, I received an email from the “business associate” who was quite concerned, confused and perplexed about the email she had received from me, wondering where in the world I was coming from. 

Stunned, “oh i didn’t…..”  as I realized I had not emailed those rambling thoughts to myself, but I had sent the email to the very person who I was thinking about at the time of my typing!  (Our email addresses contain the same beginning letters in them.)  In that instant, I knew this was not an accident, but I was damn uncomfortable.  I scrambled to read and refresh my memory as to what I had sent to her.  I re-read the email which was disorganized and missing a “hello or good-bye” but thank goodness at least I hadn’t used swear words!

Can’t un-ring a bell.  All I could do was explain and apologize to her that this email was not intended for her to see, but just rambling notes to myself.  I tried to feel better. That part wasn’t so easy.  Yet, I knew there was something deeper here for me to be aware of, as there are no accidents.

“Alrighty” I told myself.  “I’m embarrassed but still breathing.”  

So here is what Spirit revealed to me as the next 36 hours rolled out.

There is nothing wrong here and nothing to analyze.  Eventually the positive, helpful or usefulness of these experiences reveals itself when you are ready.  

You have lots of thoughts and opinions (as everyone does) that are not all worthy of extra attention.  When those thoughts floated to the surface, you gave them a voice and allowed the energy to move freely, through you out onto the computer which gave you relief.  We think that was a good idea at that time.  You felt better and were done with it, so you thought.   Isn’t that what you always suggest to others?  “Nothing is more important than feeling better?”

The second part to this is:

You unintentionally sent the email to the “other person.”  You have no idea what arose for the person who received the email.  You think you know, but that is just your opinion – and that is not your business.  We really mean this.  As upsetting and uncomfortable it was, it had benefit and usefulness for both of you.  At the least you get to make new decisions.

What we want to say to you is: 

You called this forth.  Your desire to have an open heart, to love everyone, to be authentic and real and honest and know who you truly are at the level of your soul is very prominent.  You are on the right path.  The next step is your willingness to be exposed and  vulnerable.  That is where all of your strength lies.  We mean willing to be called out as a fraud, willingness to be wrong, to be a terrible horrible person… to be disliked, rejected. 

As all of these things that humans are terrified of, rise up.  You discover that it is not what you think it is.  The truth that is exposed here is your power and your magnificence, the glory, delight, wonder and joy and the freedom of who you are – that is what is really getting exposed.

YOUR WILLINGNESS TO HAVE THE VULNERABILITY CHANGES EVERYTHING. 

Just be willing to have whatever you are feeling.  Get used to making it okay to feel all of your feelings, your deepest feelings.

So let yourself and the other person off the hook because there really is no hook.  Take a deep breath.  Remember who you are, and notice that no matter what the story is, all is well right now.  After you felt exposed, you were aware of what was happening within you, and because you were willing to be uncomfortable, you naturally pulled back from the downward current, so to speak.  You knew that sometimes things go messy at precisely the right time, for something better to emerge.

And that is what is occurring, so you can know yourself more deeply.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hhhhmmmm….

So, that is the logic to the madness.  There is nothing to fix or analyze, but to be okay with myself….?  and all the insecurities and uncertainties that comes with being human and part of life.

What if i accidentally email someone my tax returns!  (just kidding)

 Maryanne

print

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestEmail this to someone